What Else Is New
Dir: Mallory Wyman
Run time 3:50
March 8, 2011
ANNOUNCER: Hi and welcome to What Else Is New, the show that brings you the most up to date entertainment news. Hot off the press while the ink’s still wet!
HOST: Welcome to What Else Is New, I’m your host________. Today’s well-known guest is currently embroiled in a bitter fight with a London sweets shop to take her name off of their new product, ice cream made from human breast milk. Please welcome chart-topping singing sensation, Lady Gaga!
GAGA: Thanks for having me. It’s really important to me that I get this issue out in the open. So much is being said about me in the press and I really don’t get any opportunities to stand up for myself. I’m not someone who normally courts publicity but I really want to go on record saying that the whole idea of breast milk ice cream is disgusting and I will sue those jerks if they don’t take my name off of it.
HOST: Those jerks in question would be London ice cream parlor The Icecreamists. But their flavor, which is not yet available for sale, is called “Baby Gaga.” Can you expect any restitution from them for simply using the word gaga?
GAGA: Absolutely, Gaga is my identity. When you think Gaga you think integrity, you think sophistication, you think classic elegance. They are just trying to use my name to promote something weird and grotesque! I won’t stand for it!
HOST: You think they’re associating your name with something used purely for shock value?
GAGA: Yes, and it is so far beneath me. I would never do that. I wouldn’t wear a dress made of raw meat just for attention. I wouldn’t spend 72 hours living inside an egg for no reason. I am an artist! They are insulting my dedication to the craft.
HOST: Don’t you think that in some respects you’re calling even more attention to the company by publicly suing them? I’m sure there aren’t that many people who would want to eat breast milk ice cream but now its creators are getting global attention.
GAGA: Well, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to a lawsuit. I figured public pressure would cause them to withdraw the flavor but it’s having the opposite effect. It’s almost like they enjoy the public’s perception of them as crazy freaks. I just don’t get it at all!
HOST: I’m sure there are viewers out there who are wondering how far is too far? How outrageous is too outrageous? You’re not exactly the most conservative singer around, why does this cross the line?
GAGA: Listen, even someone like me who pushes the envelope knows how to hold back. I might shoot fireworks out of my bra onstage, but I don’t stand next to a flammable effigy of Ghandi while I do it. There is always a line. And even if it weren’t for the host of moral and ethical reasons, it’s just plain unsafe. Breast milk can carry hepatitis. That’s disgusting! You won’t catch hepatitis from one of my songs!
HOST: Well unfortunately, that’s a debate for another day. Thank you Lady Gaga for coming on the show, and you at home for watching. Tune in tomorrow for our weekly retrospective, “Charlie Sheen: Winner or Champion?” Goodnight.
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